Happy Fucking New Year!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

What a scary, (yet opportunistic,) horrorscope!

NO, I didn’t spell that wrong!

Please allow me to translate.

Leo Outlook for 2011

Leo

7/23 – 8/22

Year 2011 Overview

This is the year of expanding your mental and physical horizons, Leo. Expect loads of travel and awesome adventure in 2011, especially between March and June when a barrage of planets enter fellow fire sign, Aries, sparking your sector of foreign travel and higher education. You'll be pondering some of the deeper existential questions like the meaning of life, who you are and why you're here on a daily basis. Nothing is taken for granted, as life becomes one giant college campus dishing out one lesson after another. An overwhelming desire to see the world, experiment with new philosophies and indulge in scholarly pursuits become potent themes for the course of this dynamic New Year!

Mental pursuits of all stripe dominant your time and attention for another year as Saturn continues his residence in your communication sector. Finding your true voice becomes a spiritual practice. Expressing yourself through carefully cultivated word choice proves especially rewarding. If you've ever wanted to write a book, learn a new language, go back to school or take up some radical new course of study, 2011 is your year to take the risk and make your literary dreams come true.

Pluto continues working you to the bone in 2011 through the extended transit in your work and health sector. You're beginning to actually get accustomed to the emotional gutting as the Lord of the Underworld dredges up each and every repressed emotional issue you've ever had with authority figures. You're coming into your own power the hard way -- but this is the kind of self-possession and confidence that becomes an integral part of your being and thus can never be taken from you.

“…expanding your mental and physical horizons…”

To understand this you first must understand that pain carves out the space that happiness may eventually come to fill. In other words, there will be lots of pain.

“Expect loads of travel and awesome adventure…”

Doesn’t this remind you of the Chinese curse, “…may you have an interesting life.” It should, as it’s a pretty accurate translation.

“…when a barrage of planets enter fellow fire sign, Aries,…” Barrage? Enter Aries? Another Fire Sign? Sounds a lot like war to me! Especially when it’s, “…sparking your sector of foreign travel and higher education. …”

Or what about, “…You'll be pondering some of the deeper existential questions like the meaning of life…”? Doesn't that remind you of the shit Spiderman always goes through? Not sure? What about, “…who you are,” or, “why you're here on a daily basis,” ? Huh?

You mean everything is in upheaval, “Nothing is taken for granted, “?

“…dishing out one lesson after another. “ Lessons! That’s another word for problems, isn’t it? It always has been in my life, I don’t know about yours!

“An overwhelming desire to see the world…” Run, you mean! All this shit becomes just too much!

“…experiment with new philosophies…” Ditto!

“…and indulge in scholarly pursuits…” Double ditto!!

“…become potent themes for the course of this dynamic New Year!” Dynamic! Another powerful, dangerous word meaning I will have a very interesting life!!!

Oh God, do I dare go on?

Do you begin to understand now?

I mean, the author does an excellent job of making it sound good, and fun, and interesting; you know, an adventure, but do you know what an adventure is?

It’s usually an uncomfortable, extremely boring time, punctuated with moments of sheer terror and extreme danger!

Don’t you just love it!!!

Hell, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

(I thought I told you just a few weeks ago that I live in the most interesting times in all of history. Do you?)